Posted by John Dias in Myth: “70% of dads who seek custody get custody.”
Fact: When parents contest custody, courts give primary physical custody to moms 90% of the time.
(Cynthia McNeely, “Lagging Behind the Times: Parenthood, Custody and Gender Bias in the Family Courts“)
Most divorced and separated dads want to nurture their children, but courts often reduce them to “visitors” and do not even enforce “visitation.” So-called “deadbeat dads” are usually dead-broke or dead-bolted from their kids’ lives by biased court orders or moms who impede access. Over 80% of divorced or separated dads who have jobs and access to their kids pay their support in full. Nonetheless, our government spends hundreds of dollars to enforce monetary support for each dollar it spends to enforce access.
(Sanford Braver, Ph.D., “Divorced Dads.”)
Society pays a huge price for this gender bias. Fatherlessness is the leading predictor of crime in a community. The less time a child spends with his/her dad the more likely the child will drop out of school, commit crime, abuse drugs or alcohol, become pregnant or commit suicide.
(Warren Farrell, Ph.D., “Father and Child Reunion.”)
The solution: shared parenting and joint custody laws.
Hi,
I am in the middle of the fight for full-custody of my children. Are there any helpful hints that someone could give to make this easier?
Jason
If you’re seeking full custody, you should know a couple things:
1. KNOW THE ODDS
In over 90 percent of cases where full custody is disputed, the father loses. Are you sure that you want to set full custody as your goal? You may end up impoverished by legal fees, even if you beat these odds.
2. BE ABLE TO SUBSTANTIATE ALLEGATIONS OF ABUSE
If you do plan to seek full custody, make sure that you fully document — with objective evidence if possible — how the mother is a danger to the child’s health and safety. By objective evidence, I mean medical documents, notarized letters from the child’s physician, police arrest records, child psychological reports, and evaluator recommendations. If there is no such danger to the child’s safety, you must ask yourself why you’re seeking full custody.
Also, be aware that even the most meritorious and documented of abuse allegations can often motivate the opposing party to make allegations of their own, and seek a restraining order against the very parent who brought the initial allegations. Retaliation via allegation is common in family law, so make sure that you fully document any abuse allegations with objective evidence.
3. IDENTIFY A QUALIFIED ATTORNEY
If you plan to obtain an attorney, make sure you get one that is AV-rated with a specialty in family law. AV-rated means they have at least 10 years of experience and are peer-recognized as the best in their field. You can find such ratings at Martindale-Hubbell:
http://www.martindale.com/
In the left menu on the above Web site, search by location or practice area, and be sure to check the box for “Featured peer review rated.” Then find attorneys that are AV-rated.
If you change your mind about full custody, consider collaborative law. In collaborative negotiations, you are represented by an attorney but that same attorney may not represent you in courtroom litigation. Therefore it is in the interest of both parties to settle, since the lawyers don’t have an incentive to prolong matters (and thus drive up their legal fees) with lengthy court battles. In collaborative negotiations, both parties and their attorneys meet away from the courthouse and are therefore not subject to courtroom hearing schedules and deadlines. There is much less pressure. Litigation and its related pressures are what eat up precious dollars in legal fees — money that could have been spent on the child.
If you’re sure that you must seek full custody, make sure you have a solid reason that is in the child’s best interest rather than your own, and be prepared for a bruising and potentially expensive and protracted court battle.
I hesitate to say this, but based on my boyfriends experience with this (I am a woman), you have to understand that by entering into this fight, you must be mentally prepared to sacrifice all that you have and all that you own for your children. (He did, and he lost). Understand that the system is unfair, and your likelihood of success is slim.
However, here are the reasons to fight the fight:
1. You will know in your heart and soul that you genuinely did everything that you could.
2. Someday when they are older, regardless of the outcome, your children will know that you gave everything you had.
Knowing how much pain my boyfriend suffered and still suffers, I can also share this advice…. throughout this entire ordeal, find some source of spiritual strength and peace. Work very hard to not hold onto the pain and the anger — because it will hurt you more than it will hurt your ex.
Finally, as a child who was separated from a parent for awhile I can tell you this:
1. Eventually every child comes to realize the need for the other loving parent
2. The most valuable gift I was ever given was a notebook containing letters — a journal really, of every time my parent thought of me but could not speak to me — he wrote it down. I was in my 20’s but it was then that I realized that he had thought of me every day, every month and every year of my life — I had been loved.
It made all the difference in the world to me and my life…
Bless you, and know that you are doing the right thing!
Jason, also — make sure your lawyer has a history of fighting for MEN and gives you a list of references of other clients they have represented. This is important! (And it helps if you can find a lawyer who IS a woman who fights for MENS RIGHTS — it sounds sexist but a female lawyer is more likely to see through your ex’s attempts to manipulate the court.)
We just went through all this and my hubby got full custody of his daughter. We had her since 1st grade and in the begining of 5th she steals her from our front yard and tries to keep her. We had to hire a CFI child and family investigator who was basically hired for my daughter. It was a girl who was a step parent so it worked out good for us.
The most important thing to remember is what’s in your child’s best interest. So this is what we proved.
1: we had a stable home and family. She had family but not stable. Could hold a job or home.
2: We had kept all kind of pictures and art projects to show our daughter’s attorney. When her attorney investigated our home we had family pictures all over the wall.
3: Every chance you are given when they are sick take her 1st to the doctor but make sure it worth going. Don’t over do it for every whimper.
4: If she is mentally manipulating the child write down everything the child says.
5: keep a jounal of all missed pick up times or any hard time she gives you. If the kid is lacking something they need, or she argues with you over something in the best interest. Visitation issue’s just everything.
6: Call the kids school yourself and stay involved in everyway, with parent meetings, report cards and school events.
And the most important is follow any court order to the tee. Don’t look like a idiot. The judge won’t like you being in contempt.
We may have got custody but family support is sooooo sexist and steared one way. Good luck….
My fiancee is trying to get a divorce from his crazy wife. She has tried to commit sucicide and lost custody of her first child but he is afraid that if he files for a divorce that the courts will not grant him custody because of all the horror stories he has heard about the mother always getting the child. Is there any help that could be passed our way? If any one can help please e-mail me at l1nds3y_r3n33@yahoo.com thank you
I am in the process of a divorce and find it ubelievable that the judge would not grant joint physical custody (50/50). For the first 6 months of my son’s life when his mother and I were together, I was the primary caregiver while she finished her bachelors degree. I got up with him more in the middle of the night, I took care of him when he was screaming and she couldn’t take it anymore and I even worked two jobs to make ends meet. How can someone who can work two jobs, take care of his household duties and take care of an infant NOT be declared the more fit parent and get primary custody or AT LEAST 50/50? It seems the PC term is “gender biased” but I call it “sexist”. It’s very disturbing to be a white male in this society we live in these days. It seems like we’ve given up all of our rights and opportunities in the pursuit of losing the racist/sexist tag historically associated with men. While I am all for equal rights for everyone, it’s unfortunate that people like myself will have to suffer these unintended consequences.
I am a father who has been divorced for over 12 years. My children (1 son & 1 daughter) were very young when my ex-wife left me for another man. She made it very dificult for me to see or contact them. She even moved several states away and changed her number every couple of months to prevent me from contacting her. She remarried a couple of years after we were divorced and her new husband took on the father role. I have also remarried to a loving and understanding woman who has put up with more that she should have. I lost contact with them and have recently found my children again on Facebook. They are teenagers now and they dont remember who I am. I have been writting e-mails to them but they both have told me to stop trying to contact them and have asked me to let my ex-wife’s husband adopt them. I have never missed a child support payment and never given up hope on seeing them. I am hoping that someone can give me advice on how to reconnect to them.
I am very interested in what is being said, and would love to register, and be a part in it. Can anyone tell me how i can register
similar to a previous post I got a divorce in 1986 in Orange County, California. In that divorce I had to fight false actuation of child abuse brought by my ex-wife’s lawyer while suffering through two months of monitored visitation. After clearing my name and getting back to normal visitation, my ex-wife started limiting my access to my children. Our divorce decree stated that I was to park at the curb and honk my horn and the children would be sent out to me. Unknown to me a TRO was issued, I was never served. Second visitation I honk the Horn and nothing happens. I get out of the car and go to the door and knock, Next thing i know two cops have me handcuffed while they search my car and I’m sitting on the curb where I used to live while all the neighbors watch. Later, when I complain the Orange County D A send me a letter that states there will be no contempt of court ruling for non compliance of visitation. When that was decided in 1987 I haven’t seen either of my boys since. And was told by the Orange County Child Support Div. that they didn’t want any thing to do with me. But, the orange county child support sure has taken all the money out my pay the can. So much that for TWENTY YEARS I lived on the street. Getting a job working for three months getting an apartment then they took half my pay and I’d loose the apartment and the cycle would start again.
The State of Pennsylvania, and it’s family courts and judges want it both ways. Declaring themselves unbiased when it comes to gender in family court law. To be in line we the US and State Constitution while discriminating against men. Further, not in the best interest of the children when you consider that all boys eventually become men. Not in this generation nor for generations to come. The statistical evidence clearly shows the discrimination has been present for decades at the very least. Which would confirm what was well known by both sexes in comparing notes and experiences.
ToJames,
It is a shame that the legal system is abused this way by allowing the mother to have all the rights and control and we have none. I am in the Military and if wasn’t for the Military giving me a place to stay and something to eat I would have been on the streets as well. I remember living on $50 a month working full time and give my whole pay check to my ex-wife. Now my kids tell me that they don’t want to see me because I put a price tag on their head and I chose to live a better life without them. They don’t know how wrong they are. I am not upset at them because that is what their mother has told them all of these years. She has 3 incomes (mine, hers, and her current husband) and thanks to my current wife working we are able to get by. This whole process doesn’t seam fair. The worst part is my ex gets to see and enjoy my kids and I get bad mouthed. I don’t really care about the money I would give everything I have for my kids. I just want to see them and hug them again. I just simply wish to be their dad and the legal system has prevented me from doing that. I have no money for lawyers and no way to fight for them and now I feel as if they have not only been taken from me physically but mentally as well. I don’t know what will happen next. I do know that this website has helped me from being discouraged. I felt alone in this fight and now I see other people going thru the same thing as I am.
This is my first time veiwing this site. I am overwhelmed with emotions, I finaly dont feel alone.
I am a man who raised my 2kids from 2weeks old till 3/09(5yrs). I am fighting for the return of my kids, as they were taken when ex made false DV allegations. I have been jailed, had charges pressed, visitations withheld,and delt with biased evaluators of all kinds. My own attorney hurt my case. Everyone has told me to give up, I wont win, or given me the odds. I wont quite, and I proceed pro se`. When I walk in the court house everybody knows who I am, and it sickens me. They know me and the stories because my ex is a family attorney, or I have talked to them looking for advice. either way the all talk. What sickens me is that they all know or believe im innocent of these allegations. They congradulate me when I defeat motions and ask me how things are going, yet no one helps me. I have shown my ex as what she is a liar(proved it over and over). Yet, I still havent had my kids returned. The kids have lived with me since birth and thier mom left 2yrs ago. I took a truth test and so did my ex, I passed and she failed. She still has the kids. She has done so many things a man would get arrested for, but nothing happens to her. I mentioned to an attorney that she was getting special favors and treatment, he replied”no doubt, she’s an attorney”. The best interest of the children isnt being applied, and I show this at hearings with evidence. Yet, she still has the kids!
I love my kids more than anything, and if it was in their best interest to be with there mom, I would be okay with that. I have had so many allegationsfrom Dv to molestation to stalking her to weapons possesion. I had never been arrested or had any legal problems in my life. Ive never hurt anybody, owned anything more than a pocket knife or neglected my children. She cant find one person to co-oberate her statements. But,I was arrested by nine sherrifs. Thats what they send, I guess. I had no record, they had no evidence, but im a man. I wont stop fighting, even though ive been threatend. I am a good dad, and I miss my kids. I would rather be in jail or dead, then quite fighting for my kids. They come first, not me.
To Jason. Don’t let naysayers coerce you into giving up.
I have full custody of my daughter— this is AFTER I was accused of sexual and physical abuse. Unfortunately, this plan backfired on mom and now she only gets 1 hour of visitation per week, pending a Judge’s order to make this thing permanent– her emotional abuse of my daughter with the intention of destroying me has cost her dearly. This story is far too long and bizarre to tell all at once.
Like the others have said, this will be costly– but you can reap the rewards should you win, or be awarded joint custody. I started this thing only wanting joint custody, her mother has turned this into a fight I was prepared for but she was not. However, her pursuit of power has cost ME next to $20,000 so far, and cost her nothing (since she is unemployed, though she’s racking up debt at an astonishing rate), and I still have court appearances through 2010.
The fight will be long, and may never really see resolution, but don’t be afraid to stick up for yourself, and the rest of us men.
It’s only money anyway.
my girlfriend and i are trying to gain full custody of her 10 mo old daughter. her ex is gone 5 weeks at a time driving a tractor trailer and sees her once a month for a few hours at a time, they have joint custody now. he’s verbally abusive to her(my girlfriend) and her daughter is scared of him and my girlfriend constantly receives threatening messages from him does anyone have any advice for me?
stories one is always the same as the next.
lets face it if u have male parts your done for. no one listen and no one cares. so guys save your money and run ,,,run fast because u will never win unless ur ex. wife kills someon…. lol i can because i have been through the worst like most… and it never gets easy, i have to kill myself to make it and the ex, just lives a nice life off my support and i get to the the daddy visitor…..broke and struggling
WoW! To read the stories is sickening and yet a widespread reality,ive been jailed fror nothing degraded and humiliated in public it goes on and on. my ex has said and done everything she can to hurt me and keep my daughter apart. and its been a coup detante with human services along side her pointing at me with contemptbased on what fits that day.
The post by l1nds3y_r3n33@yahoo.com aka Hoping is null and void. The father has specifically told the mother he does not want custody of their son. The post should be deleted for slander plain and simple.
thank you
Many family court judges are prejudiced. This should be apparent by the statistics.
The prejudice is the discrimination and persecution of men (fathers). Needless to say this violates the US Constitution. Thus,
all the court hearings have been for show. Decades of Judges acting as if they have been unbias and impartial. When they new the
outcome of over 90% of the hearings would be in favor of women. The US should
have paid actors. They should rename the
“Bar Association”, “the “Actors Gill”.
This is one of the many reasons why Pennsylvania and all states need House Bill
463, The Presumption of Shared Custody.
Family Court Judges have destroyed tens of million of children and their fathers in their pursuit of prejudice and corruption.
Professor, how did you get custody may I ask? Anything you could share would be very helpful.
I have a question regarding my current custody sitution. Ive been divorced since Dec 2001 but each year my ex wife has made it more and more difficult to be civil. She has been messing around with a married man (who is 30 years older than her) for about 2 years. The only reason it seems to be an issue now is I have serious issues about the influence it has had on my 13 yr old son and 10 yr old daughter. My current wife and I have documented several incidents over the past few years, is there ANYTHING I can do and what do I need to have in order to file contempt?
Finding this site seems to me to be akin to being involved in a mulit-car accident. Even though I have been seriously injured, knowing that there others involved means we can hopefully help each other.
I have so many questions about the entire “family court” system. Starting with the name of the court. What is “family” about raping a man of his dignity, his pride, his income…his life? As we all know, men are viewed by most judges as an ATM for women to use at their whim. How many of us have had the unfortunate occurance of having our support order raised with the simplest visit by her to the court, then try to get it lowered back to a fair amount? Ha! Getting a Top Secret security clearance is much easier than getting a support order lowered. I’ve experienced both.
Why are single men not allowed the same privacy granted by Roe-v-Wade to women? From what I understand of that ruling and what Justice Sonia Sotomayor explained, it is a matter of privacy. Interesting that she did not say it was a matter of privacy for all…
I guess most of my time here will be speaking and writing about my experiences as a single male. I have full custody of my 15 year old son (have had for more than 10 years), but am embroiled in a paternity matter for my 4 year old as well.
From reading what so many others have written here as well as talking to so many other men about the unfairness of our current “family court”, I hope that I can somehow add something significant to the conversations here. Or just listening to others in the same situation as me helps.
I am curious if any serious research has been done in regards to the long-term effects on a child raised by his mother as opposed to one raised by their father. Especially a boy child. The societal norm would seem that a girl would gain from living with her mother while a boy would learn much more about becoming a man from his father. As seems to be the case the overwhelming majority of the time, it would be prudent to inform the judges in this land of the importance of gender differences as well. Surely someone has done some sort of study other than Ann Coulter (her book “Guilty” sheds light on the plight of young men raised solely by their mothers)
The reason I bring this up is it would be very helpful to have some sort of professional publication to show a slanted judge that it is in a male child’s best interest to live with his father in the event of the parents not being together.
That also begs the question as to why they do not understand this point already. Most of the judges, lawyers and lawmakers in this country ar men. So why do they not give custody of male children to their fathers, if the father asks?
I know as well that it is not in the best interest of lawyers for parents to come to a sane and rational decision in regards to their children as the endless supply of money then dries up for the lawyers.
I cannot begin to imagine what it must be like to play with human lives and not give a second’s thought to the devastating effects those types of games cause. Guess that is why I will never be a lawyer…I have not had my conscience surgically removed.
I spent the entire 5 years of my son’s life span caring for him while his mother laded in bed addicted to narcotic pain killers. She files for divorce and retains custody of our only child. I am retired Police Officer after over 20 years on the East coast with an unblemished record. Let along our so called Justice System grants custody of a 5 year old child to a mother who spent, time in 2 rehabs, arrested/terminated by the Postal service for workers’ compensation fraud,and a drug arrest for drug possession. The entire system is corrupt with rouge Judges, and lawyers.
Hi Bobby…I am a former government law enforcement officer who has led an exemplary life as well. Never have and never will be arrested for anything. The mother of my son has been arrested more than 30 times and is now on her third term in prison. Upon her second felony conviction, the judge in my case told me that it did not matter if she were Satan walking the face of the Earth. So long as no physical harm came to my son while he was with her, he would not grant me custody! Because she had no-one else to look after my son, out of the kindness of her heart, she signed custody of him over to me! When she got out, she tried to re-gain custody. Now that she is on her third tour through the state penal system, she has the gall to ask me to ask the judge in her case to let her out as our son needs his mother. Ummm….lemme think about that!
I am in the middle of a custody battle with my ex (we never married) over our 8 year old daughter. Last summer, my daughter (age 7 at the time) was sexually molested by her 1st cousin (on her mom’s side – the boy was 12) and the boy next door (not a relative, just a neighbor – age 11). My ex didn’t tell me about the abuse, nor did she take our daughter to be examined, nor did she seek counseling, and she declined to press charges (although she was the one to file an initial report with the police). She also told our daughter not to tell me what happened, that she was “being fast” and just to forget about it. After I found out from DSS, I hired an attorney and went thru proper channels to get temporary custody.
I still pay child support to my ex (even though our daughter has lived with me for the past 7 months to show “good faith”), I pay for her weekly counseling, medical, school and other expenses. I am now happily married with 3 other children, but I took a lower paying job last year so that I could be home more. My current wife had two high risk pregnancies and we incurred so much medical debt, that with my now legal expenses, we just filed Chapter 13. My question is: Will our filing Chapter 13 affect my chances of getting custody of my daughter?? The bankruptcy attorney told me that my ex will be notified of our filing (although I’m 100% current on support payments) and I know she’ll try to use it against me in court. Please advise! My court date is in two weeks!
I’m in a fight with my ex she moved to another state but i just want parenting time with my son at least were he can spend summer time and maybe the holiday with me i just don’t know how go about this cuz she does not want me to be part of his life anymore cuz she found someone else if i go to court you think i can get parenting time were he can stay with me for summer break and winter break i don’t lose him for good cuz of what good for her
This is what changed Warren Farrell from a feminist to an author writing about the misconceptions of women and society about men. Warren Farrell believes that the court has been set to favor women more in child custody cases. As in Warren Farrell’s observation, the courts decision is based on the maternal quality of women, regardless as to whether the man can provide his children with the loving and nurturing environment that it asks of. Warren Farrell is dead-on in noticing this.
There is no doubt that gender bias does exist when it comes to child custody in
Pennsylvania’s Family Court System. Statistical evidence is the primary indicator. Further, is the court procedure
that a father must overcome to obtain
even shared custody, 50-50. The court starts
the procedings on unequal footing with mother having the presumption of custody
and father in need to prove his ability
of custody above mother. When in most cases
she is already in possession of the child and unwilling to give the opposition a chance to father the child. In most cases
the Court sides with mother. Clearly gender
biased and biased against the child. Not only biased but dehumanizing and demoralizing to father and male children
since this has gone on for decades, transending generations. Children are taught that males are not entitled to raise children via Family Law. Additionally, the
practice of this sort of bias is firmly
outlawed by the US Constitution, the Bill of Rights and Pennsylvania’s Constitution
concerning gender bias. Violations are numerous and too lengthy to state here. That’s a part of the need for Penn. HB 463, A Presumption of Shared Custody.
When Warren Farrell delved into the issue of child custody, women just simply thought of it as males whining. Warren Farrell’s argument is greatly validated by the fact that feminists have been making assumptions that men have most of the high paying jobs which further gives men a sense of being a good provider, which in turn should grant them right of custody to a child. Warren Farrell was displeased with the courts blindness in not taking this into consideration, and just basically side with women more so often when it comes down to child custody cases.
Group calls for international boycott of family court systems worldwide
http://www.interpaal.com/
http://news.mensactivism.org/node/15308
I am in the process of a divorce, and unfortunately, it’s a covenant marriage here in Arkansas. I had a temporary hearing in April of this year, and the Judge gave her temporary custody of my 4 year old son.
My soon to be ex-wife has a drug problem, and was in rehab back in October of last year. I hired a PI after I filed for divorce, and he caught her in 6 drug transactions (illegal prescription)in which he testified on the stand about in my temporary hearing. With all that being said in court, he still gave her temporary custody. There is another child involved in the situation, which is her 10 year old son.
Any suggestions out there on what to do? I fired my first attorney, she was not very good in court, and hired another female attorney who seems to know her stuff. I have kept maticulous notes on events that have happened over the course of the last 4 months (text messages, phone conversations, etc.).
I am just trying to get my son back with me. Any suggestions?
@Marty The bias was apparent from the first temporary order. Given the bias, you must make it clear to the judge that continuing that bias threatens the judge’s job. The drugs may only be an opener. Stress the career path of a drug pusher and how kid’s future is obviously limited by choosing that easy pattern.
These stories are horrible and it’s just a systematic cash cow for the government so I don’t see it ending without a organized focused battle. Most people don’t look into this and don’t know the corruptness of the system untill it hits them. People usually brush it off with comments like, you make a baby then pay for it without ever realizing what hell these families go through. My prayers are with you all.
Jason, its about the kids and make that clear all through. 50/50 ain’t bad so be willing to go their. I faught hard and ended with equal custody and CS. Be cool and know the system is flawed but don’t give up. It also helps to reach out to other men. Good luck!
This article is so very true. I do not believe that the myth of fathers receiving custody 70% of the time is true, for I know that it is indeed mothers that are unfairly advantaged in court.
I am a teenager in college who has been raised by a loving father for the last 8 years. We have had our problems, yes, but I know my mother is unfit for parenting. She is a deadbeat mother, who does not financially support my sister and I at all.
So for all the single fathers out there, I give my support. Keep fighting for your children, they may need you more than you know. Have the truth by your side in court- my father did, and that is how he was granted custody of us. He showed documentation of us being in school, getting good grades, and going to church. He made sure the court had no shadow of a doubt that we were in a stable, nurturing household, even without our mother.
If he can do it, so can you. Good luck.